


Under Repair

by Anonymous



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Autistic Peridot (Steven Universe), Borderline Personality Disorder, Canonical Character Death, Consent Issues, Depression, F/F, Mental Institutions, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-03-07 09:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18870343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Nobody's perfect, everyone is flawed, some more, some less than others.Fortunately, there's hope for everyone, but changing for the better is not as easy, as some might think.





	1. Chapter 1

W-what are you doing?- Peridot stuttered, when she felt Lapis arms close around her from behind.

-Hugging you- she stated matter of factly.

-Well, I've noticed that...- Peridot said, looking back at the game she was currently playing.

Both of them were sitting on a couch, Peridot situated between Lapis' legs, focusing intently on her game, meanwhile Lapis focus was brought up by something else, or, more like, by someone else.

She felt a little bit of adrenaline, when a certain idea came to her mind. She smirked to herself.

She brought her lips to other girl's neck, stuck her tongue out, and licked her neck.  
  
Peridot's screeched at the weird, tingly touch on her neck, immediately covering it with her hand.

She whirled around, face all red, with an indignation on her face.

-What the fuck are you doing?!- she screamed an octave higher than usual.

Lapis scrunched up her face at her shrill tone of voice. And she thought that the girl's nasal voice can't be even more annoying.

-I'm licking you. - Lapis smiled teasingly.

Peridot's face got even more red.

-W-well, maybe I don't want you doing that?

-Your face is telling me otherwise.- she said smugly.

Not waiting for her friend's response, she leaned in, and planted a kiss on her cheek. Peridot made a surprised, muffled sound, which made Lapis' giggle.

-Aren't... Aren't we friends?- Peridot asked, looking confused, holding a cheek, that Lapis just kissed.

-Yes, we are, but wouldn't you want to be something more?- she responded with growing smile, when Peridot looked away shyly, her face darkening again.

-Um, I, I don't know what to say...- she mumbled, playing with the controller nervously. The game she was playing has been forgotten for the time being.

-You don't have to say anything, better use your mouth for something different than talking, for once.- she teased her again, a note of menace to her voice.

Peridot looked at her questioningly, not really getting what Lapis meant, but catching on, when the girl got closer to her face, and nipped gently at her lower lip.

Peridot gasped at the feeling, leaning back in a reflex, and almost falling off the couch.

Lapis started laughing, and brought her friend closer, holding her by the waist and turning her over, so they could sit face to face.  
Peridot went stiff at all the sudden contact, her face redder than ever.

-Um...- was all she could manage to say.

-Relax.- Lapis snorted, seeing that the girl didin't know where to put her hands, holding them close to her chest awkwardly.

-You can touch me too, you know.- Lapis voice sounded more soultry, her exspression looking like never Peridot really seen on her yet, so she wasn't too sure what to make of it.

Seeing that Peridot didn't look like she's gonna make any move, Lapis took her hands from her chest, and put them on her lower waist.

-There.- she said, amused.

-W-well, what am I supposed to do?-asked Peridot, redness from her face spreading to her ears and neck.

-I told you already. Touch me somewhere.- she said with slight annoyance in her voice.

Peridot swallowed nervously.

She forced her hands to go up Lapis' body, but stopping them right before touching her breasts.

She started to feel really anxious. She wasn't sure, if she liked the situation she was in.  
Why wasn't she enjoying it?

She had a crush on Lapis for a long time now, and the girl just kind of said, that she was seeing her as someone more than a friend, and, well, the touching she was doing, certainly wasn't something, that you could consider friendly.

But it was too fast, and too much for Peridot, she barely registered the fact, that Lapis liked her more than just a friend, and the girl already started to touch her intimately.

She was never in such a situation before, she wasn't ready for something like that.  
  
But she didin't want to mess this up, whatever it was between them. She bit her lip nervously, not letting the words, that she had on the tip of her tongue, spill out.

She really wanted to say, that it's all going too fast, that she doesn't want to be touched that way, that she just wanted to continue to play her game.

She won't say any of it, becasue Lapis would just get angry, and would probably tell her to leave, even if they suppossed to have a sleepover, and Peridot had no transport to go back home.

Well, she could call her mother, but she for sure wouldn't be happy to drive for her daughter at night.

Peridot sighed internally. 'I can do it'- she thought. 'We will just gonna touch, and kiss a little, and I could go back to playing my game, right?'

But before Peridot could think, or do anything else, Lapis hands travelled under her shirt, to her back, and she started to unclasp her bra.

New wave of anxiousness shot up in Peridot, she took off her hands from Lapis waist, and tried to grab behind her frantically.

-What are you doing?!- she screeched for a second time this day.

She started to feel really overwhelmed from all of this, she needed a break, she needed to run, to hide, it was too hot, too uncomfortable, her whole body was on fire.

Lapis didn't seem to notice her friend's internal struggles, and just rolled her eyes. -What does it look like? Just relax, and let me take care of you, since you're too shy to do anything.- she smiled sweetly, her hands finally unclasping Peridot's bra.

Peridot finally came to a realization; Lapis... wanted to have sex with her? She felt really uncomfortable.

She could handle touching, and kissing, but sex? That thought horrified her, made her nauseous. Her heart was beating so fast, she felt so hot, and cold at the same time, she felt so sick.

A beginning of a panic attack. Her brain went numb, everything around her seemed to slow down, when she got up from Lapis lap, and clumsily run to the bathroom, holding her bra through her shirt.

She heard Lapis calling her name and going after her. Peridot locked the bathroom in panic, and turned the faucet with cold water on. She needed to calm down. She was with her friend, it was okay. She wasn't in danger.

Peridot washed her face several times, the coldness helped to ground her down a little bit.

She scrunched up her face in disgust, upon seeing her reflection in the mirror.  
Her whole face, ears and neck were red. She washed them too, hoping the redness would go away soon.

Peridot turn off the faucet, and took a few, deep breaths. She took a towel, and dried herself a little bit.  
After this, she reached behind and clasped her bra. Her hands were shaking.

She felt a twist in her stomach, thinking about what Lapis hoped to do with her.

She was scared, and embarrassed to go out from bathroom. Would Lapis be angry? She had no idea.

She jumped when she heard a light knock on the door.

-Peridot? Are you okay?

Well, at least Lapis didn't sound angry. She wanted to respond, but she couldn't get her voice out.

She was still too freaked out, and her body wasn't working properly from the short panic attack.

She swallowed a lump in her throat, and reached for the door handle, but stopped, when she heard Lapis started talking again.

-I'm sorry.- she said quietly. -I didn't want to freak you out like that. Why didn't you tell me, that you didn't want to do that?- she said with slight pretense in her voice.

Peridot very well knew why, but she's not going to say that out loud. And for sure not in that moment, when she couldn't get out any words from her system.

Well, she would have to force some of the words out, becasue Lapis' wouldn't understand that she sometimes went nonverbal. No one understood.

She took a deep breath, and unlocked the door.


	2. Chapter 2

-I just... I don't even know what to say.- Peridot's hoarse voice filled the uncomfortable silence.

They were both sitting on a sofa, although on the opposite ends this time.

Peri was nervously clutching an armrest, looking at the paused game on a screen, while Lapis sat with hands in her skirt pockets, looking at nothing in particular.

Peridot wasn't very good in recognizing face expressions, but it was clear as day to her, that Lapis didn't look amused in the least.

She felt a painful twist in her stomach again. She felt guilty. It's because of her, that Lapis isn't smiling, like she was, just few minutes ago, when they were touching each other.

Peridot wanted to make her happy, wanted to be the cause of her smile. The blue haired girl smiled so rarely, that it felt like such a blessing, when she did.

So maybe she could force herself to do, what Lapis wanted, if that could make the girl happy...

Peridot imediattely felt anxiety shot up in her. No, she won't do that, she-

-Peridot.

She jumped and whirled her head to her left, hearing her name from Lapis lips.

-Y-yeah?- she mentally scoffed at herself for stuttering.

-I'm sorry.- said Lapis, looking at the ground.

-You already apologized.- she responded, gnawing on her lower lip.

Lapis sighed.

-Why didin't you tell me to stop?- her voice went a bit higher on a last word, her brows furrowed. She still wasn't looking at her friend.

Peridot swallowed nervously.

-Let's just drop it.- she said quietly.

-No, we won't drop it!- she startled Peridot with raised voice.

-You could have tell me to stop, and it wouldn't end with you having this panic attack, or whatever it was.- Lapis responded angrily. She got up, and went to a nearby window, sitting on a windowsill.

Peridot felt another wave of guilt, but there was also something else. She felt anger. It wasn't her fault, well, not entirely. Lapis didn't even ask, if she wanted to do something like that. Lapis was at fault. Right?

She decided to bring up Lapis'... Friend with benefits? At least that's how the relationship between Lapis and Jasper looked to her.

And apparently she wanted for Peridot to be the same for her. There's no way it's gonna be this way. She's gonna stand her ground.

-Why didin't you just go to Jasper? You two are fuck buddies, aren't you?- Peridot said bitterly.

-Don't fucking say her name.-Lapis growled.

Peridot looked at her friend, lump in her throat already forming. Shit. She went too far.

She felt fear creeping up on her, when Lapis glared at her.

-Get out.- said Lapis quietly, a dangerous look flashing in her eyes.

-W-what?- Peridot mumbled, fear clenching her chest and throat painfully. It was scaring her, when Lapis was getting mad so quickly.

-Did I fucking stutter? Get. Out. NOW.- Lapis stood up, clenching her fists.

Peridot felt tears in her eyes, but got up obediently.

-But it's t-the middle of the night, how am I supposed to...

-You'll figure something out.

Lapis came over to her and grabbed her backpack altogether with Peridot's arm, dragging her to the door.

-And for the future, don't use her name in my presence ever again.- Lapis seethed, throwing the blonde's backpack in the snow and closing the door, leaving now sobbing Peridot alone in the night, the furious look of her friend still engraved in her mind.

* * *

 

Amethyst wakes up by the vibration and light coming from her phone screen.  
   
She groans, rolling over on her side and clumsily reaching for the phone lying on her bedside table.

She squints at the screen, and when her eyes adjusted to the light, she groans once more, seeing the time.

Two fricking in the morning.

Someone who texted her at such ungodly hour, better have a good reason.

She clicked on a message, her vision still too blurry, to read properly.

After a while, the letters sharpened, forming a brief message:

'amethyst? Can you ask garnet to pick me up? Im at lapis place'

The way Peri wrote it, made Amethyst a little worried.

Not starting sentences with capital letters and not ending them with periods? Something was seriously not right.

Not even mentioning the fact, that Peri wants to be picked up at night.

Amethyst got up quickly from her bed, and went to wake Garnet up, writing a quick message:  
'we gonna be there in 15'

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

Garnet looked at Ametyst, who was sitting next to her as a passenger.

The said girl was sitting hunched over her phone, biting her lips and calling to Peridot over and over again.

-What's going on, why isn't she picking up? She at least could have text me, is it so difficult?- Amethyst growled, feeling her anxiety grow. -And that stupid snowstorm is slowing us down, goddamit! What if Peridot has frozen to death? Can't you drive faster?!- Amethyst started to bite her nails from the stress.

Garnet sighed, trying to push away the growing irritation. She didin't like how slowly they had to drive because of the weather either, and she was also worried about Peridot. She hoped that at least Lapis was smart enough, to let Peridot inside in such a snowstorm.

-Ametyst, calm down. Visibility is very bad, besides the road is slippery, I can't drive faster than that. We should be there in a few minutes, Peridot is gonna be fine.-Garnet responded in her usual, calm and collected voice. -Take some deep breaths in and out, just as how I was teaching you.

-This is stupid. - Ametyst murmured under her breath, hunching up in herself from embarrassment, but she still listened to Garnet's advice, taking a deep breath.

Garnet looked at Ametyst, slightly smiling.

-Maybe it may look stupid, but it really helps. And don't bite your nails, you're gonna hurt yourself again. -Garnet frowned, seeing the girl bite her fingers agressively.

-Ugh, don't talk that way, you sound like Pearl.- Ametyst obiediently stopped biting her nails. -For real, you're getting worse with age, not too long time ago, you were so cool, and now...

-And now I'm responsible.- Garnet responded with a small smile on her face.

-More like, you have a stick up your butt.-Amethyst blew away bangs from her eyes, crossing her arms.

-This is called being mature, Amethyst, you're gonna expierence it some day too. -Garnet responded teasingly.

Before Amethyst could have respond, her train of thought has been interrupted by a ringing phone.

She quickly looked at her phone screen.

Peridot.

A sudden relief washed over her body.

It was ridiculous, how much she was worried about that girl.

Not waiting any minute longer, Amethyst answered her phone, stream of nonsense coming out of her mouth.

-Peri, why weren't you picking up?! I thought, that you've frozen to death, you could have text me at least, what...-Ametyst suddenly stopped talking, hearing weird, muffled sound.

-Peri...?- she asked uncertainly.

She got sobbing as a response.

-Oh no...- Ametyst murmured to herself. She was right thinking, that something was wrong. She felt panic rising in her, when on the other side of a phone, she could only hear louder crying, no words from Peridot.

-What's going on?- Garnet asked, unable to look Ametyst's way, since all her attention was focused on not to crush.

-Peridot is crying, I...- Ametyst answered, holding her phone tightly against her ear.

-Turn the speaker on.- Garnet interrupted her firmly.

Ametyst clicked on icon with a speaker, unwillingly scrunching up her face, when the loud sobs sounded in so far a quiet car.

-Peridot, breathe. - Garnet spoke with as gentle voice as possible, which was rather hard, since she was starting to really worry about her, since she never seen(or rather heard) Peridot in such a state before.

-We're should be there in a couple of minutes.-Only more sobs answered her.

'She really must have a bad panic attack, if she can't even speak' Garnet thought, worrying about her even more.

-Peri, hey, I don't know what happened, but everything's gonna be alright, yeah? We're gonna be there soon, just don't cry anymore, okay? -said Ametyst softly, feeling a little embarrassed, when Garnet looked at her.

-Better watch the road. -Ametyst growled under her breath, feeling her face heating up.

Garnet just smiled in a response.

-A-ametyst? -both of their attention was directed on the phone, when the croaking voice of Peridot sounded from it.

-Peri! You scared me with all this crying, what happened?- asked Amethyst, again feeling a bit embarrassed, hearing, on how worried she sounded.

-I...-Peridot sucked in a breath, and a quiet sob emerged from her mouth.

'oh no, no, no, no, don't cry again' Amethyst thought in a panic.

-Peridot, are you inside, or are you still out in this snowstorm?- Garnet asked her.

-I-inside...- Peridot uttered between sobs.

'Well at least as much' Garnet thought bitterly.

-Peri, breathe, we're close.- she spoke out loud.

-O-okay...- they heard her hoarse voice.

-Whatever happened, today some blue haired girl is gonna be beat to a pulp.- Ametyst said, adding a punch of her palms at the end of a sentence for good measure.

-Nobody's gonna beat anyone to a pulp, Amethyst. -Garnet send her a warning look, because she knew well, that under the influence of emotions, Amethyst often went into fights, which more often than not, ended with a hospital for one of the parties.

-Ugh, okay, but if Lapis is gonna provoke me, I don't know what I will do.- Ametyst snarled, looking furiously at the window.

Garnet refrained from another sigh, noticing the silence on the other side of the phone.

-Peridot?- She asked cautiously.

-I'm here. -she answered in a much calmer voice.

-Do you feel better?- Garnet asked again, while Amethyst stared at the phone without a word.

-Yes. A little. W-when will you arrive? - she asked, still with a rough voice from crying.  
   
-We're almost there, you can slowly leave the house. - Ametyst said.

-Do not go anywhere. -Garnet mumbled, adjusting her glasses.

-What, why? - Amethyst and Peridot asked at the same time.

-Visibility worsens, there is no way we will be going back in such conditions. We will have to stay at Lapis place.


	4. Chapter 4

-Are you crazy?! I'm not gonna sleep in this bitch's house! What if she's gonna kill us in our sleep, don't you remember what she did to Jas-

-Ametyst, that's enough. -Garnet interrupted her sharply. -Either you sleep in the car, or in Lapis's house. And considering the conditions outside, I think the choice is simple. -Garnet said, and not waiting for Amethyst, she unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the car.

-Ugh, she definitely gets worse with age.- Ametyst murmured angrily and got out from the car, slamming the door as hard as she could.

She ran to Garnet, who was already ringing the doorbell.

-You think she's gonna let us in?- she looked at her tall friend, squinting her eyes because of the snow.

Garnet adjusted her glasses, frowning slightly.

-She's gonna have to.- she said more confidently from what she really felt inside.

Finally, they both heard footsteps towards the door.

-I can't wait to see her face.-Amethyst said sarcastically.

-Behave.- Garnet mumbled warningly.

-Sure, sure, I told you, I'll only hit her, if she's gonna provoke me.- Ametyst gave her a cheeky grin.

Garnet refrained herself from sighing.

After a moment, they heard a rasp to the opening lock. But the door was not opened by the house owner, but her guest.

-Hey.-Peridot said quietly, not looking at either of them.

* * *

  
-Uhh... Where's Lapis?- Amethyst asked, thinking that's a bit weird, that she wasn't the one who opened the door.

-She... left.- responded Peridot quietly.

Ametyst and Garnet looked at each other.

-In this snowstorm?- Amethyst raised her brow. -As far as I know, she doesn't own a car, does she?

Peridot shrugged, still not looking up.

-She doesn't. But she had to... Calm down. She's probably gonna be back soon.- Peridot looked at them briefly, to look at the ground once more.

-Peridot, can we come inside?- asked Garnet, wiping her glasses off of snow.

-Ah, yes, yes, come in!- Peridot reflected herself, opening the door wider and moving aside clumsily.

Garnet and Ametyst went inside, taking off their boots and winter coats, meanwhile Peridot was observing them in uncomfortable silence, fidgeting with her sleeves.

-Erm... Do you want anything to drink?- she asked them, slowly walking towards the kitchen, just to run from the awkward atmosphere. Although maybe she was the only one feeling this way, since she felt ashamed of her earlier meltdown.

-Nah, I think I'm gonna go to sleep now, I'm dead tired. -said Ametyst, streching herself while yawning.

-I don't need anything either.- said Garnet, taking off her steamy glasses, uncovering her two-colored eyes.

Peridot knew about her heterochromia, but she was always intrigued by the contrast of one eye to another, and could not bring herself to not admire her bright blue eye when she had a chance, since Garnet was wearing sunglasses even indoors.

Peridot blushed from embarrassment, when Garnet noticed her staring. She put her sunglasses back on, not commenting on Peridot's behaviour.

-Erm... So yes, Lapis's parents will be gone for a few days, so one of you may sleep in their bedroom, the other one on the couch, and I, ugh, I guess I will have to sleep in Lapis's room...- Peridot's chaotic talking was interrupted by Garnet, who put her hand on blonde's shoulder.

Peridot jumped a little bit, looking up at her tall friend questioningly.

-I think we should talk first. What happened between you and Lapis? -Garnet asked with a slight frown.

Ametyst felt a lot of emotions, that tried to get to the surface. First of them was worry, when she remembered crying Peridot, then anger on Lapis, because she was the cause of Peri's breakdown, finally embarrassment, when she realised, that she wanted to hug her nerd friend, but the tiredness was the most intense. 'I'm gonna talk to her about this tomorrow, and today I'll leave it to Garnet' she thought.

-Alright, I'm calling dibs on the bedroom! -Amethyst hollered, as she walked down the hall and opened the first door on the left.

-Amethyst, this is the entrance to the attic...! -Peridot shouted back, after a moment sighing resignedly, when Amethyst began to open every single door, to finally find the ones that lead to bedroom, closing the door loudly.

Once again, Peridot began to play with her sleeves, feeling uncomfortable in the sudden silence. She did not want to talk about anything, today's... incident took away her whole energy, not mentioning that it was really late, and her eyes were closing on their own.

-Peridot...-Garnet began, but Peridot interrupted her.

-I... I do not want to talk about it, I'm going to get some sleep.- Peridot said in one breath, turning on her heels, almost running to Lapis' room, and closing the door behind her.

Garnet sighed for the hundredth time that day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added a new tag. Also I don't have any more chapters to post, but hopefuly I won't lose the little of motivation I have, and would write another chapter soon. 
> 
> And if you weren't sure as to whom the bpd tag applies to, Lapis has it, lol

-Lapis? What are you doing here?-Jasper was standing next to the open door, her shocked expression on the usually angry face in other conditions would make Lapis laugh, were it not for the overwhelming apathy she was feeling.

-Will you let me in, or am I suppose to freeze to death in here?- asked Lapis monotonously.

Jasper let her in without a word, frowning in consternation.

-You walked all this way in this snowstorm?- Jasper asked in a voice of disbelief. -Are you crazy, you could have called me, I would come for you.-Jasper reached out to touch Lapis's hand.

-Don't touch me.- Lapis growled, making a few steps backwards.

Seeing the hurt on Jasper's face from the corner of her eye, she looked away and started walking towards the bathroom, feeling a twinge of guilt.

-I'm going to shower to warm up, and you you don't have to borrow me your pyjamas this time, I took mine. -She murmured in a softer voice, not looking back and entering the bathroom, still wearing a coat and boots.

Lapis closed the door, taking a deep breath, then letting air out through her mouth. She felt different emotions that wanted to resurface through the apathy, that accompanied her all the way to Jasper's place.

She felt burning in her eyes as the emotions became more and more intense, which she tried to ignore, taking off her clothes with fingers fossilized from the cold.

'I'm really terrible. After what I did to Jasper, she still lets me come to her. I don't deserve her.' Lapis's breath became more and more shallow, she felt tears forming in her eyes. After a while, the wave of pain went away and apathy came back. She wasn't able to cry for some time now.

Lapis rubbed her sore eyes with unshedded tears, stepping into the cabin and switching the water on. She flinched when a cold stream hit her, but it helped her push away the last waves of sadness and guilt.

After a few minutes of a hot shower, wiping off and putting on a warm pyjamy, she left the bathroom, stopping in a dark corridor. After a moment, she turned to the living room. 

Today she felt exceptional discomfort at the thought that she would sleep with Jasper in her bed. Although she wanted it when she left home, consolation, hugs, and maybe something more, now she felt disgust at the thought that she would once again use her like that.

Lapis sighed, feeling sudden fatigue, laying on the couch and pulling on the blanket. The quiet ticking of the clock made her feel even more alone. She closed her eyes, trying not to think about anything, finally falling into a restless sleep, waking up every few minutes by nightmares. She finally fell asleep when the sun already started to rise, this time without dreaming about anything.

* * *

 

Lapis was woken up by a smell of food. Her stomach growled loudly, reminding her, that she barely ate anything yesterday.

She narrowed her eyes as a ray of sunshine fell on her face.

She moved out of it's way, looking around the room a bit confused.

Why was she...?

Then yesterday's events hit her. And with the memories, came the feelings. Lapis groaned, rubbing her face.

She fucked up again.

She probably should go. But it was so comfortable on the couch, and the least she wanted to do right now, is to go all the way to her house in such a cold weather.

Jasper could drive her there, but she felt guilty to get advantage of her all the time, while not doing anything back for her.

Besides, she didn't want to deal with the consequences. She really hoped, that Peridot was no longer in her house.

Lapis decided to get up and grab some food, since walking all this way is gonna require some energy.

She strolled lazily in the kitchen, feeling slightly anxious about seeing Jasper.

She wasn't there. Lapis sighed with relief, until she spotted pancakes on the table, and a note next to it.

She came over and picked it up, reading it with some trouble, since Jasper's handwriting wasn't the best to begin with, but that note really must have been written in a hurry.

Lapis read it a few times more, just to be sure, that she was reading Jasper's scribbles correctly.

'I'm at the hospital. Pearl tried to kill herself. Call me, when you'll wake up, k?'

All of a sudden, she didn't feel like eating. She went over to the couch, feeling as if everything slowed down. Why is she reacting like this? She shouldn't care. It's not like it's the first time that Pearl...

Lapis didn't end that thought. Instead, slightly nauseous, she reached for her phone and called Jasper.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have an early gift for children's day ;p

It's the middle of the night. Pearl lies awake, unable to fall asleep for a few hours now. Since that horrible day she wasn't able to sleep peacefully. It's been almost a year and everyone started to slowly move on, but not her. For a few days now, her state has gotten worse, since the first anniversary of Rose being gone was approaching. And with it, so was Steven's first birthday.

Pearl smiled through tears. It took her a few months to warm up to him, she was avoiding seeing him as long, as she could, since he was a reminder of her death. It obviously was not his fault, and he really was a sweet baby, but she still couldn't help, but feel, that he took her away.

She started to shake. She really tried to get better, went to therapy once a week and take antidepressants since her two failed suicide attempts. But it's only getting worse, she wasn't able to do this anymore. Her and Rose were suppossed to be together forever, and now, she's gone, and Pearl is still here.

More tears fell down her cheeks.

She clutched razor blade in her palm.

And it's not like others weren't supporting her. But she didin't want their pity, the only thing she wanted now, was Rose, but no one would be able to bring her back. And now, that she's not here anymore, Pearl doesn't have anything to live for.

Everything is dull and horrible without her. She doesn't want to live in a world, where every little speck of pink color, reminds her of Rose. It's torture.

She looked at her forearms full of old scars, and brought the razor blade closer to her wrist. She hesitated.

She can't do this without letting anyone know. They at least deserve a goodbye and an apology, that even with their efforts to help her, she just wasn't able to cope with this pain anymore.

They need to know, that it's not their fault, that they weren't able to save her.

With right hand still holding the razor blade, she took a phone in her left hand, and called.

* * *

 

-Pearl, please don't do it. We're gonna come to your place, just don't do anything, okay?-Garnet tried to keep calm, but her voice broke on the last word. She can't do this. Not again.

-Garnet, I'm so sorry, I know, that you're trying to help me, but nothing ever gets better. I'm not strong enough to deal with this anymore.-She struggled to understand Pearl, who started to cry more and more.

-In that case, I'm going to call an ambulance, they're gonna arrive there faster, than me.

At this point Pearl started screaming.

-There's no point! No one can help me, why can't you understand, that I don't want to be here without her?!- Pearl started to hyperventilate.

Garnet felt tears in her eyes. 'I can't fall apart now. I've gotta keep myself together.'

Before Garnet could respond, Pearl spoke once more.

-I know, that I've always been a burden. You didn't deserve the things I've put all of you through. I love you. Tell Amethyst that I love her too. Goodbye.- she said quietly, disconnecting the call.

Garnet was staring in shock at her phone for a few seconds, then immediately called an ambulance. She felt the panic raising in her. There's no way she's gonna let her die.  
  



	7. Chapter 7

'I feel so cold and numb. I feel so alone, but I just can't bring myself to go and see Pearl. And again I'm making all this about myself, because everyone's paying attention to Pearl, and not me. Even If I were in her place, I'm sure no one would fucking care anyway.'-Lapis thought angrily.

She was standing outside the hospital, smoking another cigarrette. 'Third in one hour. It's a record.' She thought bitterly to herself.

But they weren't enough. She's probably gonna get herself drunk later, hopefully Jasper would want to keep her company. Being drunk on your own isn't as fun, she has learned this many times already.

She turns her head, upon hearing the door open. She quickly looks away, seeing Amethyst's angry face. That meant Peridot told her about what she did. The shorter of the two was sending daggers her way, quickly approaching her. Jasper was following her, with unreadable expression.

A confrontation that is.

Lapis stumpted on a ciggarette as calmly as she could, clenching her shaking hands into fists.

She won't runaway from that, would she.

Amethyst finally approached her, grabbing her arm violently.

-Hey, what the fuck is your problem?!-Lapis screamed, startled.

-I think I should be asking you that! What the hell is wrong with you?!- Amethyst was still gripping her arm.

-I don't know what are you talking about.- she lied.-And don't fucking touch me.-she growled through clenched teeth, pushing Amethyst's hand away angrily.

She looked up briefly on Jasper, who was standing nearby. She wasn't even looking Lapis's way.

Traitor.

Lapis, feeling sudden rage, pushed Amethyst to the ground, with intention on leaving a lot of bruises on the shorter girl.

She managed to hit Amethyst in the face, before Jasper bolted towards them and pulled Lapis away from her sister.

She was saying something, but Lapis couldn't focus on the words, her mind still set up on beating someone, something up.

She wrestled away from Jasper's hold, scratching her by accident.

Jasper flinched, as if she at least has been punched. Lapis smirked. The things she put her through, really had a big influence on her, didin't they?

-You're sick!-she heard Amethyst's obnoxiously loud voice, who was still sitting on the ground, holding her bloody nose.

Lapis's expression fell.

-Don't get involved in other's people business.- she growled, feeling the adrenaline slowly lowering.

-This IS my business, since it involves my friend and my sister!-Amethyst kept screaming, not letting Lapis get a word in.-You fucked them both up! Do you even feel sorry for what you did? Do you care for anyone else besides yourself? You couldn't even fucking show up to check on Pearl, she almost died, and you can't even pretend to give a shit?!-Amethyst wailed, angrily wiping her whole face from mixed tears, snot and blood.

Lapis stared at her, taken aback, trying to think on what to say.

Jasper walked past her, kneeling on the ground to engulf Amethyst in a hug, which only made her cry harder.

Lapis stood frozen to the place, different feelings swishing in her gut. She noticed some movement from the edge of her eye, turning her head in that direction.

She saw Garnet, Peridot and some unfamiliar woman walking out the building. She needed to get out from here.

Lapis turned away, walking as quick, as it was possible on an icy ground.

-Yeah, run away, that's the only thing you're good at!-she heard Amethyst's hoarse voice from afar.

Jasper remained silent.

She really was no longer on her side, was she?

Hot tears burned in her eyes, one or two tears escaping. Lapis couldn't find the strength to raise her hands and wipe them. They felt heavy. Everything was heavy and hurt so bad.

Something told her, that alcohol won't be enough to ease her pain today.  
  



	8. Chapter 8

-Is your nose okay?-Jasper asked, helping Amethyst up.

-It will be fine, it's not like I haven't been punched before.

Jasper looked, as her sister tried to clean her nose with the snow.

-You don't have to be like me, you know that?

Amethyst glanced up at her sister.

-What do you mean?

-I mean that you shouldn't think of fights as a solution to all problems. I doubt that you would want to go to reformatory, as I did.- Jasper frowned, remembering the few, horrible months she spend there.

-Geez, lighten up, I promise, that I won't get into fights anymore, besides, Lapis attacked me, I didn't do anything.- she responded snarkily.

-Yeah, this time you didin't.- she murmured under her breath.

She noticed Garnet and Peridot approaching them.

She's gonna talk about it with Amethyst later, now's not the time for that.

She should go after Lapis. After what Pearl did to herself, she was paranoid, that Lapis may do something to herself too. Maybe she's worrying over nothing, but it's better to be safe, than sorry.

-Oh god, Amethyst, what happened?- she heard Peridot's squeaky voice. Looking up, she saw, that her face was still puffy from crying in the hospital. She felt bad for the little nerd. Peridot didin't deserve the things that Lapis put her through, and then the next day feeling dread again, because Pearl...

'Don't think about it, don't think about it...' Jasper felt the anxiety and pain overcoming her.

All that situation made her think about her mother. She couldn't let herself think about it. Although she was sure, that she wouldn't be able to cry now, since she bawled her eyes out driving to the hospital, so she at least won't embarrass herself in front of all of them. But the gruesome image of her mother's lifeless body couldn't leave her mind.

-Jasper.

It was Garnet's voice. It sounded so far away, but she was standing next to her.

Jasper looked in her direction, feeling her intense gaze even through her sunglasses.

Garnet was one of the few people that made Jasper uncomfortable. She felt vulnerable under her gaze, and she hated it.

-What?- she growled, trying to glare at her, her mind still foggy.

-You look pale. Are you feeling alright?

Always that monotonous voice. If it wasn't for today's incident, she still would have thought, that Garnet was emotionless. Although it was really disturbing seeing her cry, and Jasper wished she hadn't seen her tough facade slip like that, it was nice to know, that after all, she had feelings.

-I'm fine. I'm gonna go now.- she looked in Amethyst's direction.

Peridot was fussing over her, trying to wipe her bloody nose with a tissue, while embarrassed Amethyst was pushing her hands away, murmuring, that she doesn't need any help.

Jasper smiled involuntarily.

-Hey, lovebirds!- she said, getting their attention. Peridot looked at her questioningly, while Amethyst's cheeks got redder. She's so gonna tease her sister about it later.

-I'll see ya later. You're going with them, yeah?- she asked Amethyst to be sure.

Amethyst looked confused, maybe even a bit hurt.

-I thought that we're gonna spend all day together? It would be nice, after all this...mess.- she said quietly, looking away.

Jasper felt guilty. She really didin't spend as much time as she wanted with her sister. But she was too worried about Lapis, she had to make sure, that she was okay enough to be on her own.

She looked in the direction Lapis went, hoping to see her disappearing silhouette, but she was long gone. Jasper felt anxiety rise up in her, she had to hurry.

-Well, fine. But first, I'll drive Lapis back to her house, and then I'll come back to you guys, how about it?

Amethyst groaned.

-Why won't you dump her already? That girl got some serious issues, and you're the only one that doesn't see it.- she frowned, crossing her arms.

Jasper felt as anger replaced the anxiety.

-Ugh, I'm not gonna listen to that again.-she spun around, walking briskly to the parking lot.

Part of her knew, that Amethyst was right, she knew, that whatever they have is unhealthy, but it was just so intoxicating, and no matter how bad it would be between them, how much Lapis wouldn't hurt Peri and now her sister, she would always come back to her. And this time wasn't different.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, sorry. I'll try to write longer ones in the future.
> 
> Anyway, please comment, I love reading what you guys think, also comments motivate me to write faster, so there's that lol


	9. Chapter 9

-Lapis did that to you, didin't she?-Peridot asked bitterly.

They were all driving to Garnet's house. Peridot insisted to sit next to Amethyst on the back, on which the purple hair girl had no problem with, even if she usually preffered to sit on the front.

-Well, duh. Who else would do that?

-Well, Jasper was there, we know how violent she can be.- Peridot stated matter of factly.

Amethyst huffed angrily.

-The time, when we used to beat each other up is long gone. -Ametyst whirled her head to the right.

-Don't tell me that you're a Lapis apologist as well? She really messed with your brains, that you both don't see how toxic she is.-She growled, but upon seeing her friend's startled expression, she reflected herself.

Garnet looked at them through front mirror.

Amethyst sighed.

-Sorry.- she said quietly. - I didin't want to yell at you.- she looked at her lap, feeling ashamed.

-It's okay.- responded Peridot, looking at her alien badger on her backpack. She got it from Lapis few months ago on her 17th birthday. She scrunched up her face and looked at the window instead.

-It's not that I'm endorsing her actions, it's just... She went through a lot in her life-

Amethyst impatiently interrupted her.

-Yeah, but that doesn't mean that she should take her anger out on people! Right, Garnet?- Amethyst met Garnet's gaze in a front mirror.

Garnet hummed affirmatively.

-Yes. She really hurt Jasper, and you too, Peridot. - she tried to find blonde's eyes, but she was stubbornly looking through the window.

For a while no one said anything.

Amethyst reached from the backseat to volume up the radio, when Peridot spoke up.

-I don't want to lose her friendship! She really is important to me, I can't just dump her like this!- she said exasperated.

Amethyst furrowed her brows, feeling hurt for some reason.

-You two should talk. But I think a few days of break would be good, to think things through.- Garnet said, fixing her sunglasses.

-I guess you're right.- Peridot said quietly, involuntarily looking at the alien again.

She looked so sad. Amethyst wanted to hug her, but the words that Peridot said earlier about Lapis, made her reconsider it.

'She for sure wouldn't apppreciate a hug from me. After all, Lapis is her favorite, isn't she?' -she thought bitterly.

Amethyst looked at the steamed window, drawing some lines and shapes on it abstimindedly, thinking about Peridot, Pearl, Jasper...

Rose.

She sighed, closing her eyes.

'Would it ever stop hurting?'

* * *

 

She couldn't find Lapis. She tried to call her, but she wasn't responding.

Her heart was beating wildly in her chest, her breathing got quick and shallow.

Don't panic. Maybe she went to the store on her way home? Because there was no way, that she would went that far in such a quick time, Lapis's house was like two miles from the hospital.

She slowed down upon seeing the store, driving in the parking lot.

They were living on the countryside. That store was the only one on Lapis's way home. If she won't find her here, she's gonna drive to Lapis's house.

Jasper's trying not to think on what she's gonna do, when she won't be there either.

She went inside, quickly walking around the store, but aside few people, she didn't find Lapis in there.

Jasper felt even more anxious. She eyed the alcohol aisle on the way out, but she decided on not buying anything.

She started to wonder on how would Lapis get home. Buses were only driving here till four PM as far as she knew, and it was quarter past five.

Jasper shivered walking out the store. She wasn't sure if the cause of it was the cold, or the rising panic inside her.

* * *

 

When she finally arrived at Lapis's place, she saw that the lights were on.

Breathing the sigh of relief, she got out of her car, quickly approaching the door and ringing the doorbell.

Jasper waited, getting restless, but finally she heard footsteps and turning the key in the lock.

Lapis looked up at her surprised.

-Why are you here? Did something happen?-she asked, frowning.

-No, I just... I was worried about you, so I came here.

There's no way she's gonna tell her, that she even looked for her in the store. It would probably piss Lapis off, or at least make things awkward.

-By the way, how did you get home? Buses aren't driving so late.

Lapis rolled her eyes.

-Some random person gave me a ride. The fact, that I was crying and walking in a snowstorm probably helped.-she laughed humorlessly.

Jasper moved from foot to foot akwardly.

Lapis was crying?

So she wasn't worrying over nothing. Something was wrong.

-Well, now that you see that I'm fine, you can go now. We have nothing to talk about, since you hate me now.- Lapis said with her usual monotonous voice.

-What? Why would you think I hate you?-Jasper asked confused.

Lapis let out an angry huff.

-If you wouldn't, you would actually defend me when Amethyst was screaming at me, but no, you were just standing there without a word!-she was getting worked up again.

It was Jasper's turn to be angry.

-You fucking punched her, Lapis, just because she was saying the truth! You fucked around with Peridot, and...with me too.-she said the last three words quietly, more to herself than to Lapis.

It felt bizzarre to finally say it out loud.

Lapis's growl brought her back to reality.

-Get inside, someone can hear you.

Not waiting for Jasper to move, she reached for her hand, and pulled her inside.

With the movement, her sleeves rolled up, showing bloody marks on her forearms.

She reached to cover them up, but Jasper noticed them, and was staring at her in shock, her mouth opening and closing wordlessly.

Shit. Hopefully she won't have a panic attack. That was the least thing she needed right now.

Finally Jasper was able to stutter some words out.

-Lapis...What? Why would you...?-her eyes were as big as saucers.

Lapis sighed.

-Come on, let's sit down.  
  



	10. Chapter 10

It's awful.

She's going to be here for a month, against her will, and there won't be an option to leave that place earlier, she could only gain a few weeks more in here, if she won't cooperate.

Why won't people just let her die?

Pearl sighed, burrying her head in her bandaged hands.

They put her on some pills that made her feel groggy and numb.

She was here from yesterday's evening, but it felt like she's been here forever.

She and other patients just came back from lunch, and had some free time in their rooms, before a group therapy would begin.

Pearl is going to have to introduce herself and explain the reason for why she ended up in here.

Although the bandages on her forearms spoke volumes, so probably everyone already knew the cause.

The good thing at least was that she had her own room, and could keep her phone with her.

It was different, when she got send away to psychiatric ward the first time as a teenager, five years ago.

She really hoped that she would never have to go back to such place ever again.

And she wouldn't, only if she succeeded in killing herself, but she wasn't even able to do that.

She's pathetic and useless.

Defective.

Pearl forced back the tears, that threatened to spill out.

She's gonna have to pretend that she's getting better, just so they wouldn't add more days for her to stay in here.

She heard a buzz. Slowly raising her head, she looked at her phone. She had several unread massages from her friends. There was even one from Lapis. That's new. They never texted each other before.

She would be surprised, if not for the overcoming numbness from the meds. She just wanted to lay down and fall asleep, but she had only five minutes till the therapy, so she probably should slowly prepare herself for it.

Pearl put away her phone, deciding to respond to her friends later. She got up, feeling light headed. Her eyelids were halfway closed, feeling so heavy. She noted to herself to tell the staff to lower the dosage of the medication.

As she exited her room and walked through the corridor, she hoped, that she won't fall asleep in there and made an idiot from herself.

The therapy room was at the end of the hallway. The door were opened, but a few people still hung out outside on the chairs, chatting.

When she got closer, one girl in particular really caught her eye. She felt her hands sweating, her heart speeding up and face getting warmer. Pearl couldn't avert her eyes, even if she wanted to.

The girl looked up, meeting Pearl's unwavering gaze.

She smiled slightly, winking at her, then got back to the conversation with her friend.

Pearl was sure, that she looked like a tomato, with how much her face burned. She walked inside the room quickly, sitting on a chair and trying to calm her breathing.

That girl looked like Rose.

* * *

 

Lapis couldn't look at her.

It was disturbing to see Jasper in such state. To see her so weak, crying right in front of her, made Lapis feel horrible.

She wanted to get up and just leave, but for some reason she still sat at the table in front of her ex girlfriend, who was covering her face, wiping her eyes and nose from time to time with her hands.

She should get up and get Jasper tissues, but her whole body felt so heavy. It's like she was glued to her seat.

It's all because of her. The guilt still wouldn't leave her alone, even when it made her to send a text to Pearl. But it wasn't enough.

She hated that feeling. It made her to want to apologize to everyone she ever wronged in her life.

Lapis bit her lip. She very well knew, that she won't be able to do that. Why was it so hard to say those two words?

She sighed, looking up at Jasper. She was calming down, the sobs no longer shaking her entire body. She still was wiping her whole face with her hands though.

When she wanted to finally offer some tissues, Jasper spoke up.

-I'm sorry.

Lapis looked at her confused.

-What are you apologizing for?

-For coming here. For crying. For hurting you. Just... for everything.-her voice became more hoarse, indicating, that she's going to cry again, but Jasper forced the sobs down.

-You're not the one who should apologize here.- Lapis said bitterly.

When Jasper looked at her questioningly, she spoke again.

-I'm...-Lapis sighed. 'Come on, just say it. She at least deserves an apology for all the shit you put her through.' 

Lapis took a deep breath. 

-I'm sorry. I was the one who took everything out on you, and I...I liked it. It made me feel better, but it was wrong to do. And... I'm sorry for still coming back after I said, that it's the end between us. -she ended quietly. It felt better for finally saying those words, but at the same time Lapis felt hot in the face and out of breath for admitting her fault. It made her feel like a monster.

She glanced at her ex, imediattely looking away.

Jasper was looking stright at her, frown visible on her face. But she didn't look angry. She looked heartbroken.

-So... this time, it's really the end between us, huh?- she said, her voice barely audible. There were new tears glowing in her eyes.

Lapis nodded, staring at her clasped hands.

-It's better this way.

-But... We'll still see each other as friends, right?- she hated to sound so desperate, but her pride was already destroyed by crying in front of her ex. She got nothing to lose anymore.

Lapis moved in her seat uncomfortably. 

-I... don't know. We probably should take a long break from each other. -she said, still avoiding Jasper's gaze.

Jasper swallowed all the pleadings and questions she had. There was no use. Lapis had already decided. 

She knew, that it would be best for them to stay away from each other. But it's going to be so hard. 

She got up, walking through the corridor and putting her jacket back on. Lapis followed her, standing awkwardly next to her.

She wished that Lapis at least could look at her.

-Could I... hug you? Since we won't see each other for a long time...?-Jasper asked her unsurely, afraid of her response.

But Lapis just nodded, and walked up to her, streching her arms out without a word.

Jasper hugged her, clinging to her desperately. She really didin't want to let her go.

Lapis started squirming in her arms, trying to push the larger girl away. 

-You're suffocating me.- she murmured, glaring at her.

-Sorry. -Jasper finally let her go, averting her eyes in embarrassment. 

Lapis sighed.

-It's alright. So... goodbye.- she crossed her arms, moving out of the way, so Jasper could finally leave. 

-Bye.- Jasper whispered, looking at Lapis one last time, before going outside. 

She still didin't look at her, just closed the door after Jasper.

But she didin't blame her. If she were in Lapis' place, she wouldn't want to look at her disgusting face either.


	11. Chapter 11

Ugh, introducing herself to others was horrible. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad, if that pink haired girl wasn't in there and made her uncomfortable with her resemblence to Rose.

She was fidgeting in her seat, wanting to be everywhere but here, ready to leave the room as soon as the therapist announced the end of the session.

Pearl was looking anxiously from the clock, to this girl, and to the therapist, so she wouldn't scold her for not paying attention, as she did to the one girl, sitting in front of Pearl. The mentioned girl was looking at her from time to time, although her glances didin't seem very friendly.

Pearl scrunched up upon herself, feeling uncomfortable under her gaze. She wondered, if that girl knew her from somewhere, and what did she do to deserve death glares from her. Pearl thought, that she should keep herself away from her, just in case.

After all, she was in a mental institution. Who knows how some people may behave in here.

Pearl took a deep breath, trying to relax a bit, and looking to her therapist, trying to focus on her talking. She hoped that the hour would pass quickly, so she could go to her room and text back to her friends.

And maybe call to her mother, but she probably would be too busy to answer her phone. But that was nothing new. Her work was more important to her, than her daughter, it was always like that. It was hard to not blame her at least partially for Pearl's issues. She never knew her father, and her mom was never really there for her.

She was never good enough for her, no matter what she wouldn't do. Her mother wanted a perfect daughter, so she could show her off to other people. But one time she had had enough and rebelled against her mother. She got so angry, telling her horrible things that made Pearl cry.

She said, that she's gonna sent her to a psychiatric ward, if Pearl wouldn't behave and do, what she's told to do. Her mother didin't pay attention to her daughter's begging to not send her there, and coldly remarked that she should slowly pack her stuff and that she's gonna make sure that Pearl will go there as quick as possible.

Sure enough, a few days later, Pearl found herself sitting in the room, full of bunk beds. She remembered feeling numb, when her mother, instead of saying goodbyes, told her, that maybe staying here would make her normal again. She couldn't have been more wrong.

It was five years since her first stay in the mental institution, but she still had nightmares from time to time. She really hoped that this time would be different and she would receive help that she so desperately needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's really short, but I just wanted to finally post something. Also please tell me how do you like the story so far!


	12. Chapter 12

She was so hungry, that she felt nauseous. But yet she was too tired to get up and make herself breakfast.

Lapis sighed upon seeing that it was already eleven am. She had promised herself that she's gonna get up early to clean up the house, since her mother arrives tonight.

But the arriving of her mother wasn't the only thing that made her depressed. Tommorow was the last day of a holiday break.

The blue haired girl groaned, covering her face with a pillow.

She hoped that she's gonna spend that break with Peri mostly, but because of her fuck up she wasted those days sitting at home doing nothing.

It was hard to admit, but she missed her. But on the bright side, she's gonna see her on Monday, although there was a possibility that the blonde wouldn't want to have anything to do with her. And it's not like Lapis could blame her. But she hoped that Peridot would come around eventually.

Unfortunately she would have to gather her courage and apologize to her...

Hm.

Maybe she should text her to meet her before the school begins. It would be better if they were already kind of on the good terms till then.

Lapis reached for her phone, seeing that she received a message. She felt a surge of excitement going through her, until she saw, who texted her.

Pearl.

She immediately felt disappointed, hoping, that the text would be from Peridot.

She felt obligated to respond to her anyway.

Pearl: I'm fine, thank you for asking. I was a little surprised to see you text me, but it was really kind of you. I also apologize for not responing for so long. Anyway, how have you been?

Lapis rolled her eyes at Pearl's formal words and perfect grammar. She has a power to annoy her even through texts.

Lapis: im full of surprises apparently. There's no need to apologise. Ive been feeling rather shitty lately, thanks for asking

Lapis snorted to herself, after hitting send.

Then she typed a short text asking Peri, if they could meet today. She could feel anxiety rising up in her stomach, which didn't help with the nausea that she already felt from the hunger.

She groaned, throwing her phone on the sheets and getting up to finally eat something and trying not to think that Peridot probably won't even respond to her.

* * *

 

When Jasper arrived to Peri's house yesterday evening, she immediately stated, that she's going to take a nap and to their questions if she talked to Lapis, she only growled that indeed, she did, but she didin't want to talk about it and went to Peridot's room, shutting the door behind herself.

Her, Amethyst and Garnet played games for the rest of the evening, chatting about different subjects, but when Amethyst brought up Lapis, Peridot tried to change the subject, which made the purple haired girl roll her eyes.

Soon enough, they all went home, leaving Peridot alone, since both of her parents worked till pretty late hours. She was glad for her friends presence, but now with them gone, she started thinking about Lapis again.

Peridot sighed, cleaning the couch from the chips crumbs and headed to bed.

She couldn't fall asleep for a long time, her thoughts kept coming back to Lapis and ocasionally to different topics. She was woken up by a notification on her phone in the morning.

It was a text message from Lapis. 'wanna meet up today?'

She stared at her phone conflicted. Peridot wasn't sure if she was ready to meet with her yet.

The incident that happened between them still made her very uncomfortable and Peridot felt, that she wouldn't feel safe to be with Lapis alone. She was scared that Lapis would want to have sex with her again or would get mad at her.

But on the other side, she missed her, and wanted to be on good terms with Lapis again. Maybe she could convince Amethyst to come to her as well? Peridot bit her lip.

No, that's a bad idea, they don't like each other, she wouldn't want them to get into a fight.

Jasper is out of the question for obvious reasons, and Garnet has work. So it really leaves just Amethyst then.

'Would it be okay, if I brought Amethyst to our meeting?' Peridot texted that to Lapis and didn't have time to get anxious, since Lapis responded instantly. 'whatever, i'll come by ur house at 5'

Peridot was surprised that Lapis didn't have objections, but didn't question it, and just typed 'ok' and send a text to Amethyst, asking, if she could come by, since she didn't want to be alone with Lapis.

She waited a few minutes, which turned into a hour, but there was still no answer from the girl.

If she won't respond for another hour she's gonna cancel her meeting with Lapis. Maybe she's a coward, but she wouldn't want to risk similar situation happening to her again. 

* * *

 

Amethyst has seen Peridot's message, but she wasn't sure, if she wanted to be in the same room with a blue bitch, after what she did to her that one day.

She frowned. Besides she didin't want Peri to be in good terms with her again. It was hard to admit, but she was jealous of Lapis.

Amethyst hesitated at the send button, after typing a declining answer. But who is to say, that Peri won't decide to meet up with Lapis, even without Amethyst? There's no way she's gonna risk it, she didin't want her friend to be hurt again, if she could help it.

Amethyst sighed, deleting and writing the new answer, pressing send. Hopefully she won't regret her decision, she didn't feel like having a broken nose again in such a short period of time. 

* * *

 

Peridot had mixed feelings upon receiving Amethyst's answer.

Now she's gonna have to talk with Lapis, whether she likes it or not.

Peridot sighed. She could only hope that Amethyst is gonna show up first. She really didin't want to spend a second with Lapis alone, no matter how guilty that made her feel. 

* * *

 

After what felt like an eternity, Lapis could finally exit her house to go to Peridot.  
  
She felt strangely giddy, hoping, that the little blonde would quickly forgive her, and everything between them would be great once again.

Then she remembered that Amethyst is gonna be there too. She growled quietly to herself, her mood souring a bit. Too bad, she's gonna have to live through this somehow. She just can't get herself be provoked, and all should be good.

The snow melted a little bit, so it wasn't so difficult to walk anymore. She went out a bit too early, but she just couldn't wait anymore, and she found herself in front of Peridot's house at four thirty.

Oh well, she will be early then, hopefully Peri won't mind.

Lapis rang a bell, took a few steps back, and waited.

Meanwhile on the other side of the door, Peridot was having a mini panic attack. It was half past four, why would one of them arrive so early? She hated it when someone showed up too early or too late, although it wasn't as bad, as when someone arrived uninvited, that could really send her into a meltdown.

Her anxiety arisen, when she tiptoed to the door looking through the peephole, hoping it will be Amethyst, but the possibility was slim, since the girl always arrived late to everything.

Peridot's heart started to beat faster upon seeing blue hair.

No. She can't let her in, she can't.

She saw Lapis frown and take her phone out. Oh no. She's probably gonna call her, won't she?

Panicking, Peridot reached to the handle, opening the door, revealing slightly surprised Lapis, likely from the sudden noise. Her expression quickly changed to a smile.

-Lapis... You're here.-Peridot murmured quietly, her voice a bit hoarse. She didn't know how to feel about this. How to feel about her.

-Hey.-she responded lazily, like everything was fine, like nothing ever happened between them.

Peridot let her in, praying for Amethyst to arrive soon, since her heart still beat loudly in her chest, her stomach was in painful knots, and she knew if Lapis would get angry for whatever reason, she would just have a breakdown in front of her.

Leading Lapis to her living room, she snatched her phone from the couch, sitting on it stiffly. It was four thirty five. 'Please Amethyst, be quick...' she thought to herself, as Lapis sat down next to her. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst never ends.

-So... You want a drink or something?- I asked, hoping for a positive answer, since going to the kitchen and retrieving some kind of drink would give me at least a few seconds without Lapis.

I sighed with relief, when Lapis nodded her head with a smile.

I got up quickly, feeling kind of uneasy with her being so happy, it never lasted long, and in the end her's mood always turned sour, no matter how much I wouldn't bend backwards over myself, Lapis would always find something to be angry at. It was so draining. I haven't noticed that, until I didn't have a few days break from seeing Lapis.

I jumped, hearing a sudden movement beside myself. Lapis stood next to me, leaning on the counter, smile still plastered on her face.

I swallowed nervously. Well, there goes my momentarily break from Lapis.

-Why won't you let me help you with that?

She took a kettle from me, and poured water into it, then took out glasses, and reached for a cupboard, where the teas where in.

-What kind of tea would you like?

-Oh no, I'll drink water, just make yourself some.- I smiled awkwardly, feeling more uncomfortable from minute to minute in Lapis presence. I was feeling too hot to drink tea, the anxiety made me hear my own heart pound in my ears. I can't stand this, I have to leave just for a little bit.

-Um, if you're hungry, go ahead and grab some chips, you know where they are, I'll be back soon, just have to use the bathroom!- I said in one breath, and almost sprinted to the toilet, immediately feeling myself calming down. I splashed my face with cold water, then meticulously rubbed it with a towel, doing anything to stall for time. I looked at my phone. Four forty two. Couldn't the time go any slower?!

I decided to write a quick text to Amethyst, telling her to hurry up, since Lapis already arrived.

I contemplated staying here till five, but that would be weird and rude to leave a guest alone for so long, besides what if Lapis thought that I was constipated or something?! That thought was so humiliating, that it made my face go red again. Growling, I splashed my face once more, this time not caring for drying it too well, since I still felt so hot, the remaining water would quickly absorb in my skin.

I took a deep breath, feeling a deja vu overcoming me, since a similar situation took a place not too long time ago, only this time my friend didn't try to get to my underwear, and I was in my house this time.

I opened the door, walking as slowly, as I could, going to the kitchen for a bottled water and finally reaching the living room, seeing Lapis getting herself comfortable on the couch with bag of chips in one hand, and phone in the other. She even turned the TV on. It made me a little annoyed, I didn't like when other people touched my things without permission, although television belong to my parents, nonetheless, it was in the house I lived in, so it still bothered me.

I sat on the couch, quickly checking my phone for any messages. There was none. And it was five forty eight. Why was time always going so painfully slow, when you weren't having a good time?

Lapis put her phone away, pulling her hand with bag of chips closer to me.

-Want some?

My stomach churned painfully just on the thought of swallowing something. I was too nauseous from anxiety to eat anything.

-I'll pass.- I said, not looking Lapis' way. Her eyes stayed on me for too long, making me even more nervous. Her stares were always so intense, no matter, if she was angry, happy or bored.

Finally she looked away, staring on the TV instead.

I felt some change in the air, although I wasn't sure, what it was.

I looked up discretely at her. She wasn't smiling anymore. Just grabbed a fistful of chips and chewed on them, looking at the TV screen, which was currently showing some dumb cartoon about different kind of food characters, that were singing while crying.

I couldn't help but wonder, why did she even showed up, if she wasn't going to address that... Incident from a week ago?

I couldn't stop myself from blurting out the words, the tension just get the better of me.

-Why aren't you saying anything?-I said exasperated.

Lapis turned her head towards me, raising a brow.

I looked away, fixating my stare on an unopened water bottle, that I was holding in a rather vice grip.

-I thought you came here to apologize.- I mumbled quietly under my breath.

-I...did.- I heard her sigh.- But it's not that easy. I know I reacted horribly back then, I felt so bad for all these days we were apart, I...

-But what about me?- I found myself interrupting her.

-Huh?-Lapis looked at me questioningly.

-Have you wondered, how horribly _**I** _felt?- My eyes started to sting.

-Or did you just came here, so you wouldn't feel the guilt anymore?- My voice was quivering, and I could barely hold myself from crying.

I looked straight at her, to see different emotions flash on her face. It was too quick, I couldn't recognize even one.

This time she was the one who looked away.

-Peri, I know how much I hurt you, and I'm really sorry, it was...- I heard her take a deep breath.- It was disgusting of me to do such thing to you.- She whispered, looking at the bag of chips mindlessly. I stared at the bag as well, unable to bring myself to look at her face.

-That's all you've got to say?- I spoke quietly, feeling that this apology wasn't enough.

She looked at me again.

-I...

The sudden noise of the door being open, and then slammed shut, interrupted whatever she was about to say next.

What happened after it, was really unexpected, even for me.

I was just so relieved to see Amethyst arrive, after feeling so anxious and bitter and hurt in Lapis' presence, that I just couldn't hold myself together any longer.

I started bawling my eyes out.

I saw out of the corner of my eye Lapis' shocked expression, and Amethyst rushing to my side, saying something, that my mind couldn't comprehend in that state. It wasn't supposed to go like this, I thought, while hiperventilating.  
  



End file.
